A Second Glance
by Spitfire47
Summary: "I'm not apologizing for him and I'm not saying he's a good man…they don't exist anymore." After the attack, Rick encounters another escapee from the clash. However the relationship between the father and ten year old child is constantly shaken and put to the test as they discover that the virus is mutating. S4/AU
1. Chapter 1

A/N: _This story will contain content from both show and comic. Spitfire47_

Disclaimer: _I don't own the Walking Dead tv show or comic._

* * *

It was a joke – it had to be.

Leaning up against a thick Cedar Rick was held up with nothing, but a thin rope stopping him from plunging fifty feet to the rough ground.

He had to wake up – just wake up.

Rick muttered those two words feeling an emptiness inside of him build until pressure against his insides made him think that he was going to burst. His whole body still was numb with pain, day old blood made his clothes crackle with every movement, and the partially healed wounds kept reopening especially on his arm. The feeling in his chapped lips has long since gone making him wonder if he had died already.

Rick looked down to see a single Walker underneath him its legs were broken in several places so it crawled on its hands. One held its dead body up while the other gripped the tree bark. A sudden memory returned to the former sheriff, the one of the female who crawled over a single kilometre to go where? Anywhere…somewhere – possibly to die or to find food.

He felt a saddened emotion flow through him, but it wasn't like a gradual sense more like a crash – like a sudden torrential downpour. It slammed into his body making him flinch as if struck, it crashed into his mind causing him to stop thinking as a single memory played over and over as if stuck on replay. He tried to think about something else, but nothing came. His tears had dried up long ago, and no matter how much he tried to – none came. Rick waited for the anger to come, anger always came after sadness it was only normal. Oddly none came leaving him in a cloud of despair.

XXXXX

Sawyer wrapped his arms around his sister's shoulders, he gently stroked her blood stained hair. Dry tear stains streaked both children's faces, one hiccupped hysterically while the other tried to remain calm however he shook violently that his tremors shook the young girl.

"Leave…," the girl finally said, her voice hoarse from screaming.

Sawyer buried his face in her hair, tightening his grip on her refusing to let go. He immediately felt resistance as the girl tensed, trying to escape herself.

"Don't leave me," the boy suddenly cried, "I can't do this without you!"

She gave him a small grin, squeezed her eyes and then gasped as a wave of pain gripped her. Sawyer tried to hold onto whatever control he had left but seeing his youngest sibling like this broke him. He tried to find something to talk about, something to distract the pair from what was going on.

"I promised dad that I would care for you," Sawyer finally said taking in a deep breath.

There was no answer.

"And I'm going to…, whatever it takes."

Still no answer and Sawyer pressed a hand against his sister's chest; feeling nothing. The blood in his face drained along with the feeling in his body. His fingers trembled as he tried to get a grip on his sister's body, but it kept slipping as his hands grew more slick with blood. Giving up, Sawyer laid her carefully on the ground before looking up they were still alone no one to disturb them. As his eyes started to drift back to the girl, they stopped on a heavy looking rock. With one hand still on his sister, Sawyer reached over and picked it up. It was indeed heavy.

"Whatever it takes."

XXXXXX

Rick shuddered with pain, it came from his left side, throat and head. He had ripped apart his long sleeve to act as bandages, but blood soaked through. The former leader had found a small creek where he washed the strips as best he could then reapplied them but they absorbed just as easily. He did this a couple time while washing the wound with a smaller piece. It pained him as he did this process but soon his wounds grew numb from the cool water and he was able to tighten the flesh to max capacity without losing circulation. But it wasn't enough,

After the creek Rick had managed to walk a few kilometres, his Colt Python hitting his thigh gently with each step and the sun beat down on his unprotected head. His steps started to waver as a pounding migraine racked his brain. Rick decided he had to stop before he collapsed completely. Taking shelter underneath a tree, he let out a sigh of relief as soon as his back was pressed against the rough bark. Now he started to cry.

They seemed to rush out like a waterfall, and they seemed to never stop. Bringing his leg up to his chest, he buried his head in his knees feeling his jeans soak. As his heaves lessened he realized that this was possibly best, to die – shoot himself in the head, he had a gun after all. Rick slowly took out his pistol looking as the metal gleamed in the thin stream of sunlight.

Rick thought about Lori, his wife, his beautiful wife and in her arms is Carl, his son, the boy who wanted to grow up. Then he thought of all the people, the friends he had lost along the way and those who suffered along with him. From the people he saved in Woodbury, after a long time of non-violence to be caught in the middle of a dispute. But most of all – the Greenes, Hershel, Maggie and Beth having found refuge at their place while searching for Sophia and saving Carl. Being the good Samaritans they are and then having everything taken away from them. Finally there was Shane Walsh.

Rick snapped from his dazed state, as memories of his best friend dominated his mind. This time Rick let out a short cry of anguish, wondering what had happened – what went wrong with his friend. If they had gotten along then possibly they would've solved the issues better – but there can't be two leaders in a group; it's impossible.

He raised the gun it felt heavier than usual and gently placed it against his temple. Without warning it dropped out of his hand landing on the ground with a _thud_.

"God dammit!" Rick cursed aloud. "Can't I do anything _fucking_ right?!"

There was a sudden low moan from behind him and the leader jumped up, whipped around and looked. It was a single Walker who came out from behind the tree and stumbled towards the lone survivor. Rick bent to grab his weapon that was no way to go. He stopped half-way to his gun thinking of those who died from being eaten alive. He tried to shake the names out of his head but he couldn't. With speed he picked up the weapon and unloaded the full chamber into the monster.

Its body whipped this way and that as if it was doing a grotesque dance with an imaginary partner. Rick let out another shout this time more pitched and strangled.

He fell to his knees and knelt in the dirt feeling empty and hollow. After a couple seconds he managed, with much effort, to compose himself and went back underneath the tree. Rick untied the bandages deeming them now useless since he has made up his mind.

 _Take it,_ he thought miserably. _Just take it all._

The problem was that only one of his wounds was still bleeding, the others were all sealed. But Rick was too tired to open the other wounds, he just laid back allowing his body to relax as much as possible.

 _I'll see you soon Lori and Carl._

As Rick closed his eyes, he completely missed the small figure walking right towards him.

XXXXXX

The heat against Sawyer's face felt nice, he enjoyed the warm despite the already sweltering summer night. For some reason it made him feel comfortable in the presence of his half-dead leader. Sawyer quite admired the man when he first saw him back in Woodbury, he was charismatic and intelligent, knew how to command as well as acknowledge.

So to see him in this state was odd and a bit disturbing, with all the blood, bruises and cuts – Sawyer was surprised that his previous leader, the Governor, hadn't broken something. However when he saw Rick, the boy immediately thought of Carl and felt sadness. Sawyer and his sister had watched Carl die from the bushes before escaping, he had tried to shield her eyes but he couldn't move.

He watched Rick stir once in a while, that's why Sawyer kept the Colt Python close at hand just in case he did die.

It was a couple hours of sitting in silence when Sawyer heard a low moan he grabbed the pistol and stood. Calmly he walked over and placed the gun against the man's head. Rick opened his eyes and Sawyer saw that they weren't blood filled before Rick gained full consciousness the boy shoved the pistol into a belt loop.

"Um…," Sawyer briefly forgot the man's name. "…uh Rick…?"

"Hmm…?" Rick groaned.

"Are you okay?"

Rick closed his eyes and breathed. "Am I dead?"

"Um…no sir, you're still alive. I saved you."

Sawyer's words took a while to sink into Rick's mind, and as soon as they made connection, the former leader bolted up right nearly catching Sawyer in the face. He looked down at his hands, touching them and then his bandaged body. The bandages were strips of civvies tied together.

"They're all cleaned sir," Sawyer reassured, "there is a creek nearby a-."

"What have you done?"

Sawyer stopped. "Um…I'm sorry…?"

" _What have you done_?!"

Rick abruptly stood but immediately doubted over in pain. Sawyer scampered back out of the way clearly confused and scared.

"I'm sorry…," Sawyer shouted trying not to anger Rick more but couldn't help but say, "I don't understand."

Rick panted lightly from pain, his eyes casted a baleful look at the youth.

"I…I'm-."

"Save it!"

Sawyer's mouth snapped shut.

"Just…shut up."

The child looked at the adult, wondering what was happening.

 _Oh my god, he's going crazy,_ Sawyer panicked. He tried to think about what his mother would've done, she used to be a doctor at the local hospital. Delusion was a symptom of blood loss, as well as dehydration, starvation and many of other things including loss. The boy didn't know which one was worse.

"I…I don't know what to-."

"Just shut the fuck up!"

Rick then collapsed right on the spot, fell into a heap. Sawyer instinctively moved forward as if to catch him but he stopped himself. They sat and stood there in silence, ignoring the escalating heat and the faint moans echoing into the abandoned cabin.

"What have you done?"

The words were hollow and faint as if Rick spoke mostly to himself. Sawyer took a cautious step forward Rick turned his head just so that he could see the boy over his shoulder. Anger yet a hint of sadness were clear in his eye.

"What have you done?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Why was the boy still here? He should be gone._

It was just hitting morning. The sun in the east could be seen through the trees, the better view was to climb one – according to Sawyer. The youth tried hard to make his leader do something other than sit and stare angrily into the darkness, in truth it terrified the youth.

Rick on the other hand just wanted the youth gone, to leave him alone in peace so that he can be reunited with his loved ones and friends. Yet in front of him was this ten year old boy, Sawyer, who had been one of Carl's friends. It seemed like the world – no, the whole damn universe was against him. The universe had already sent him a replacement.

The purest of cruelty to have a child, much less this one, revive him and now in need of caring. That's what the boy wanted wasn't it? To be cared for now that he was awake and seemingly well. Rick could always fain non-existent injuries, pretend to be dying but that could possibly compel the boy to kill him to stop him from turning.

 _Nonsense,_ Rick chastised, _this boy can't kill worth shit._

Then he remembered Carl telling him that Carol had been giving the kids secret defensive lessons in the library.

Sawyer looked at his leader then immediately bowed his head seeing the still dark glare plaster Rick's face. It was understandable that the man was angry, Sawyer was angry when his parents died but there was something about Rick's anger that made it off putting.

"Um…how are you doing sir?"

Rick gave a small sigh he wished the boy stopped calling him 'sir'. But he was too tired to correct him, or if the youth would even make the try to change it.

"We have to go."

Rick looked up, he saw Sawyer by the window. With some difficulty Rick stood up and walked over, through the cracks in the wall he saw a small horde of twenty or so Walkers coming forward.

"We have to go now!" Sawyer panicked. He took out Rick's pistol from his belt loop and before he pointed it, Rick grabbed it out of his hand. In exchange he gave the youth a serrated hunting knife; time to see what he learnt from Carol. He didn't want the youth around but he just couldn't abandon him like this, he would never forgive himself.

"Let's go."

XXXXXX

After hours of searching for a safe place, they found a small creek where the two decided to sit and rest while they could. Rick was mildly impressed with the youth's knife skills he held it properly and struck with enough power for a ten year old. However his timing was horrible, the constant scared look on his face and the fact that a 4"9 child going after 6"2 undead, didn't make everything pan out so well.

Now both were seated by the stream, Sawyer rinsing out Rick's bandages, he saw the man's clear strain. It was in his face, his tense muscles and stiffened posture.

"You should try to relax," Sawyer suggested.

"I'm relaxed," Rick countered, "if I relax any more I'll be dead." The tone in his voice made it clear that he wasn't up for much talking.

Sawyer didn't understand, he thought that Rick would appreciate the youth saving his life. He didn't know how to make Rick feel better, he thought that allowing Rick the time alone was probably be best path. As long as the two kept on moving, avoiding the Walkers and finding shelter, as well as whoever is left of the Governor's assault.

"I know a place," Sawyer piped up. "It should only be a week walk from here."

No answer.

"We'll probably find some people…Glenn, Michonne, Daryl…maybe even all of them."

Rick nodded this time, he needed familiar faces.

"We should head off soon," Sawyer continued, "it will be getting dark in a couple hours."

Rick nodded and rose to his feet. Sawyer was pleased that the man was at least listening to him in the important matters.

"How far is this place?" Rick asked.

"It's northwest about a good five days' worth perhaps," Sawyer explained, "you have to go through a side-town off the highway so we should be able t-."

Something struck him in the back of the head causing the youth to black out temporarily. He blinked in confusion, Sawyer looked at a fuzzy Rick to see him holding something. Another lash out of Rick's hand and Sawyer crumpled to the ground.

"Sorry kid," Rick muttered he picked up the boy. Rick picked out a low branch that was a couple feet off the ground it was high enough so that the Walkers couldn't get him.

"Perhaps someone will come and take you to wherever."

Rick looked into the bag and saw there was some basic survival equipment in there from water and food to hunting knives and rope. The former leader picked the rope.

XXXXXX

Sawyer came around about three hours later. The back of his head pulsed with pain and when he touched it, dried blood came off on his fingers. Whatever struck him sure went pretty hard. Slowly it came back for the boy and he suddenly became crestfallen. Rick had abandoned him. Sawyer clenched his fists as he started to wonder what he did wrong, what he did to disappoint the leader. A couple minutes later Sawyer decided to give up on the thinking, he had more important things to do. He looked over to see the sun just touching the horizon and Sawyer knew that he only had an hour or so. But he couldn't remember if he saw shelter anywhere on the journey to the creek.

 _Might as well get o-argh!_

The rope dug deep into the boy's stomach knocking the breath out of him. With difficulty, Sawyer twisted around to see himself secured quite well to the truck of the tree, the rope lashed out to the other two branches close by making sure that if the boy fell then he would be secure either way.

 _At least he didn't leave me on the ground._ Sawyer thought trying to be positive however he couldn't help but still harbour anger towards the leader.

Sawyer thought about heading down and at least walking but he realized how stupid that sounded. With only a two inch serrated hunting blade and very little supplies, Sawyer wouldn't make it even a few kilometres much less finding a place. So with a heavy heart he decided to stay there, it pained him to be stuck up in a tree but with no oth-

 _CRACK!_

The rain poured down heavily, soaking quickly into the ground and into the boy survivor. He realized how much he hated adults.

XXXXXX

Rick followed the youth's main direction, northwest, now all he had to do was walk a couple miles. However it was hard for the former leader, his wounds were clean but they were painful. A migraine pulsed in the back of his skull making both his eyes hurt. He slowly walked over to a tree however he couldn't make it and eventually crawled the rest of the way. His breath was laboured and it was hard for him to concentrate sometimes making him feel a bit woozy as if drunk.

Lying against the tree he wondered what he had done to Sawyer. Rick had thought of leaving the boy a couple times, the problem was always to get away without drawing the youth's attention. Each solution however ended with the same scenario, Rick knocking Sawyer out.

He felt bad for leaving the kid behind, but even worse for striking him. Rick closed his eyes trying to think of something else but nothing except the loud thunk of the pistol's butt knock against Sawyer's head.

 _At least I put him above ground,_ Rick thought trying to make him feel better. _And left him the bag._

But neither thought worked instead made the man think worse of him. His mind went back to Carl, his son.

XXXXXX

" _Carl!"_

 _Rick tried to swat away the smoke the way one would to a fly, but there was just so much. He was thankful that the tank was taken out of the fray but there were too many gunman and not enough on his side to compensate the lost. Within fifteen seconds Rick analyzed what was happening, Michonne was pinned near the far tower by a couple gunmen, Maggie and Glenn were giving cover fire to those who were trying to escape the melee and Daryl was trying to haul a grieving Beth towards safety. The only one that he couldn't see was his son Carl. Rick clenched his hand around his Colt Python while glaring daggers at the Governor who too was fixed on his opponent._

 _He found himself conflicted, between helping out his group and taking down the Governor. He knew that there was no way in doing both because once his back was turned the Governor would shoot without hesitation._

" _Go save them!"_

 _The words startled Rick and he didn't have a chance to react as a figure dashed past him and shot point blank into the Governor's army. It only took a few seconds though._

" _Carl n-!"_

 _The youth was too far away for his father's strained words to reach him. He ducked in time as a volley of bullets marked where he had stood. He ducked behind the broken tank for cover Carl looked at his father who hardly recognized his son._

" _I got this!" Carl shouted._

 _Rick was still stunned but within a second snapped out of it._

" _Get back here!"_

 _Carl ignored Rick and peeked over shooting into the army taking out two people. He was about to run out when something slammed his head against the tank. Before he could snap out of his daze his back was slammed pressed against the burning metal. The youth screamed._

 _XXXXXX_

Rick slowly woke from his sleep. His head pulsed but Rick didn't feel any pain, it seemed that he was numb to it – for the moment. He pressed his forehead against his knees feeling drained of energy. A damp feeling caught his attention and Rick looked down to see the cut on his side had split open again. The blood trickled out lightly so he had no worries of blood loss but he did have worries of Walkers.

Immediately Rick jumped to his feet giving out a hiss of pain as it seared through his side and on his back. He grabbed a branch to still himself upright. Suddenly a loud thunder cracked through the sky, immediately following a downpour drenched the leader within seconds.

 _I can't do this…_

Rick bit his tongue, silently chastising himself for thinking like that. He couldn't think like that, he had to get to this place that Sawyer spoke about. He straightened but a pain shot him in the back causing him to fall. Something slid down from his nose, Rick knew what it was. He was still in a lot of pain and it even hurt to stand up.

"I'm sorry," he whispered desperately.

Rick wondered if this was punishment for abandoning the youth.

"I'm so sorry."

"So then why did you do it?" The voice was whispered as if only for Rick to hear.

Rick's head snapped up with such force, but he surprisingly felt nothing.

"Why did you leave him?" Carl asked.

 _Fuck,_ he thought he cupped his hands to his head. _No, no, no…_

"I'm sorry alright?!" Rick screamed to nothing.

"But why?"

"It's because…it's…ah…," the former leader couldn't find any meaningful reason except for his own needs. "I don't know, alright! It's just…it's just so…."

"It's not complicated."

Rick felt a pang of guilt hammer into his stomach, his son was right – it wasn't complicated. It was very simple. Rick had abandoned Sawyer because he didn't want to take care of something he knew he couldn't protect. He had failed to protect his best friend, his wife, and his children.

"He'll be fine," Rick muttered however he spoke more to himself.

"Do you honestly believe that?" Carl asked sounding doubtful.

"He's a smart boy."

"He's ten."

"He'll be fine," Rick reaffirmed, "he's made it this far!"

"So when I was ten, I would be able to survive all of this on my own without help from you, mom or anyone?"

Rick felt his breath catch in his throat and his face ashen. Thinking about a ten year old Carl roaming around in the apocalypse on his own made him sick, so why didn't leaving Sawyer give him the same effect? He couldn't say that it was because that Sawyer wasn't blood.

When seeing the children come off the bus, Rick had felt a deepened pain for what his feud between the Governor had caused. He thought of them as just people stuck in the middle and that they must be sheltered from further conflict.

"I…I just can't," Rick finally said after what seemed like eternity. "I can't ev-."

"You're scared."

The breath that escaped Rick came out as a forced anguish.

"I can't be."

"No you can't," Carl confirmed, "but you are, so what now?"

"I can't go back to the boy," Rick immediately said knowing where his dead son was going.

"Why not?"

"Because he'll be dead, like you said a boy like him can't survive. Being sheltered possibly since the beginning, in Woodbury, in the prison…he can't survive."

"Much like me right?"

Rick tried to speak but something caught in his throat.

"Don't underestimate him dad, and don't be scared because in this world…you can't be."

XXXXXX

The rain had stopped which Sawyer was thankful for he was drenched to the skin making his clothes weigh more than they should. Slow from the cold, Sawyer rose from his resting position on the thick branch that held him up for five hours and on. He wiped the excess rain off his face, to his shock blood ran down his hand. Gingerly touching the wound on his head, his wound was damn and bits of film ended up on his fingers.

He looked around to see two Walkers underneath him their arms raised fingers grasping at nothing. He had to get down eventually. Sawyer snapped a branch from above, he untied the rope from his waist and was ready to jump down when he saw something poke from behind the tree.

Rick looked around to see two Walkers stand right below the youth, their fingers stretched out as much as possible. He knew that it was his fault but now he was going to make it up to the youth. Taking out his hunting knife, Rick took long strides to the Walkers and easily stabbed each one in the head, giving a good twist for extra measure.

"Sawyer?" Rick called.

The boy looked down anger was clear in his eyes. A pang of guilt rammed into Rick's heart as he saw the stained blood on Sawyer's face.

"Um... I came back?" Rick suggested pathetically.

The anger didn't last long because Sawyer just didn't have it in him to stay angry – not anymore.

"Can you get me down?"

Once Sawyer was down, Rick remained looking at the boy's neutral face. He expected rage, a shout even a punch in the gut for leaving him.

"I'm sorry," Rick muttered however he couldn't look at the youth. "For the whole…"

"Nice timing," Sawyer snapped sarcastically.

Rick sighed. "Look I came back didn't I? Now let's jus-."

"Why did you?"

Rick didn't answer, the boy wouldn't understand.

"Did your conscious finally catch up to you?"

The leader bristled on the inside.

 _The sardonic little shi-_

"You only came back because you got lost on the way to Terminus."

Rick immediately perked up, was that what the 'haven' was? Terminus…no he had to focus on getting this kid's trust, questions later.

"No it's not," Rick reassured, "Look leaving a kid like you at this… time was not the smartest thing I've ever done."

"So if there wasn't a zombie apocalypse going on, you'd leave me?"

"What?! No, what I mean is that no matter what, apocalypse or not, it's wrong to leave a kid who can't fend for themselves." It was only seconds did Rick realize what he said.

"You don't think I can fight for myself?" Sawyer demanded, the anger returned.

"What?! No-."

"Because I can."

"Yes and that's good because if the trip to Terminus is going to take a couple days then we'll need as much manpower as possible."

Rick was glad for the youth's spontaneous mind because the anger disappeared and an expression resembling gladness appeared. The youth started walking when Rick called out.

"Hey kid."

Sawyer turned around to see Rick take out a small roll of gauze. He ripped off a long piece and then wrapped it around the youth's head before tying it off.

"Just to be sure."

Sawyer pondered over his leader's gesture but knew better to question.

XXXXXX

They walked a couple of hours before deciding to build a makeshift shelter using fallen trees. Using the hatchet Sawyer had brought with him from the prison to cut up the trees, the shelter was built in a couple hours just in time as the sun touched down in the west. Because the shelter was small and open at the front, Rick decided to take first watch but Sawyer countered saying that his leader or 'sir' needed to get more rest due to his wounds. Rick wanted to argue but when a wave of exhaustion took over he stayed silent. Perhaps some rest would do some good for him, giving Sawyer one last look Rick turned over and fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Rick raced towards the Governor and his son. Carl's screams made him run near Olympic-speed, but as he drew near a bullet just grazed across his shoulder but the impact still knocked him down. Rick stood and tried to run but pain replaced what little energy he had left. Behind him, others tried to run some even shot at the Governor but each bullet missed._

 _He whipped Carl around showing his opponents the boy's bloodied and torn back. The other looked on in horror, everyone bristled especially Daryl._

" _You in the soldier-making business now Grimes?!" the Governor demanded shaking the youth by the nape of his neck. Carl gritted his teeth sending daggers at the man but waves of pain made him falter._

" _Please…let him go please he's suf-."_

" _Suffering?" The Governor shot a dark look at Michonne. "Sounds familiar doesn't it?"_

" _There's a difference," Rick shouted unable to control himself._

" _Well let's change that."_

 _The Governor drew his knife and rammed it into Carl's stomach. The youth crumbled at the shot and his breath caught in his throat. Once the blade was pulled out, his hands automatically went to the entry wound to try and stop the bleeding._

 _Before anyone could react, the Governor stabbed again this time in the face._

XXXXXX

Rick woke with a start, feeling his heart palpitate so hard until he felt that it was going to burst. He looked over to see Sawyer still awake but slumped and his eyes were starting to droop

"Go to sleep," Rick said.

Sawyer looked over, seeing his leader awake and relatively okay the youth nodded. Resting his head against the wall he was about to close his eyes when something came to mind.

"I'm sorry about Carl."

Rick felt a pressure slam onto his body making him slump, but he refused to allow Sawyer to see his hurt.

"Yeah…thanks."

The leader watched as the youth turned over and let out a small sigh.

Sawyer wondered if that was the right thing to say to the grieving man. But what else could he say? What other options were there? The youth was still uncomfortable but could feel that it was better than before. He looked over his shoulder to see Rick just staring at the fire, his eye caught the youth and nodded for him to go to sleep. Sawyer was worried. If Rick just got up and left then Sawyer would really be dead. He let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes.

Rick watched as the youth slowly dozed off. He knew that the youth was scared of him leaving again, but Rick couldn't do that again. It was stupid move. Despite wanting to be alone, Rick knew that it was a smart move to have someone around especially with the heavy injuries he had. However it would be a lie to say that Rick wanted that person to be a child. The most Sawyer did was help Hershel around when he could, it seemed that the youth was much more eager to learn about medic assets rather than fighting ones. It wasn't a bad thing, especially now but when the time came to fight – Rick knew that he would have to be in top fighting shape to protect him.

He looked down at his bandaged body, he had heard Hershel praise the youth's skills and now he knew why. Cautiously Rick undid one of the snug bandages and saw the neat stitching work to find even his-self impressed. Redoing the gauze, he looked over to Sawyer who shifted in his sleep.

Rick wondered where Lily was. Lily's Sawyer's sister and had constantly stuck to the boy's side. Some of the other children had tried to coax her into playing with them but she would refuse and run to wherever Sawyer was. Unlike Sawyer, Lily had wanted to learn how to be a Runner like Glenn – even though she was too young to go on one Glenn would give her tips and show her what things to bring back verse what to leave behind. From what he had caught on, she had always being a quiet child even in Woodbury especially after they lost their parents.

Rick looked over at Sawyer and though about how Carl would try to be almost a parent figure towards Judith. Sometimes he would feed and change her without allowing anyone to help, while other times he would just spend time playing with her a little whenever Patrick or the other kids weren't around. It seemed that Carl hadn't tried to grow up fast for his-self anymore, but for Judith as well.

 _Hadn't_.

Rick clenched his fist despite his bruised knuckles protesting. He looked down to see the discoloured skin taunt, he relaxed his hand and the skin drew back. He lost his wife, he lost his son and he didn't know where Judith was. Rick let out a sigh closing his eyes and carefully drew his knees up to his chest to place his head in his hands. He felt himself doze off but immediately forced himself to wake. Both couldn't go to sleep and Rick didn't have the heart to wake Sawyer to take watch – dragging a man twice his size around couldn't being easy for him.

He let out a small sigh and looked back to the fire.

XXXXXX

They stayed at the shelter for a couple more days, their food depleting faster than either could replenish. Sawyer's father had being a hunter before and had passed on tips and tricks to his children, but Sawyer lacked the proper skill to tie the knots on snares or his acute fear of heights would kick in over six feet high and he'd panic scaring off the close wildlife.

Rick tried to do what he could despite his own brutal injuries. The stitching would break every so often forcing him to stop and re-stitch himself. He would stagger outside sometimes to try and get some fresh air but at times his legs wouldn't work making him fall. So he kept himself busy doing smaller less energy-using chores such as keeping the fire tended, skinning whatever animals that Sawyer managed to catch and keeping any weaponry clean. He hated it all. Rick wanted to be moving, he didn't want to be stationary even if it was for good reason. He had to find his group, he had to find his friends.

"How long do you think we should stay?" Sawyer asked, his voice slightly timid unsure of how to talk to Rick especially after his last couple of outbursts.

Rick pondered. "We should move today."

"But you're still injured! Can you even move?"

Rick rose to his feet with what seemed like ease but Sawyer could detect the small cringe in the man's left leg. It was clear that his muscles were still experiencing trauma.

"You're still injured," Sawyer said. "We can't move anywhere until your internal injuries have healed completely."

Rick could almost hear Hershel's words in the boy's voice. It was patient yet with the boyish tone.

"I'll be fine," Rick grunted as he took a few steps, his left leg throbbed with pain making it hard. After the fourth step the left leg gimped.

"You shouldn't rush the healing process," Sawyer continued, "straining muscles will result in permena-."

"I said I'm fine!"

Rick's outburst immediately shut Sawyer up, even making him jolt a little as if struck. The youth opened his mouth to speak but ducked as Rick's harsh glare targeted him.

"Get the bag's ready," Rick ordered his tone still sharp.

Without a work Sawyer did as he was instructed but still felt a bit stung from the shout. He bit the inside of his lip to stop it from trembling.

Rick limped his way to the bathroom where he slammed the door shut and slid to a sitting position. Not only were his hands shaking but his whole body – it was like a mini earthquake was happening inside of him. He did it again. He shouted at the boy. Rick wasn't blind to Sawyer's attempts to control his own hurt emotions as he started to pack. A pang of guilt struck Rick catching him off guard. He knew he shouldn't have shouted but he couldn't help himself. The boy knew nothing of survival, Rick did – he knew that staying too long in an unprotected place especially with no natural defenses gives them a major disadvantage against not only Walkers but also violent survivors.

There was a small knock at the door.

"What?"

"The bags are ready," a tiny voice replied.

Rick nodded. "'kay I'll be out in a sec."

He heard the boy's footsteps move away from the door and Rick tried to get up. His left leg gave out completely on his second try causing him to crash back on his ass. With a groan, Rick used the door knob and towel bar to force himself up. It worked. With a few cautious steps his left leg stopped protesting and Rick walked out of the bathroom.

In the living room, Rick grabbed the heaviest bag with a grunt. His left leg started up against but Rick moved around until it stopped. Sawyer wanted to say he would take it – he had created a pack with just enough weight not to hurt his leader after all but then again he didn't want to get shouted at. Quietly he picked up the other bag and the small sack with their provisions.

"Let's go."

XXXXXX

Outside the sun was beating down on the pair, both rolled up their sleeves as they could feel sweat and the heat assault their bodies. Sawyer was slightly panting from the continuous walk that now seemed to enter its fourth hour. However he was fairing a lot better than Rick – a lot.

Rick had started to limp back about a mile or so, and it was getting worse to almost the point of him falling over completely. Sweat was threatening to roll into his stitches which Rick would wipe away quickly but tenderly not wanting to disrupt the work. From Sawyer's position he could see red seep around Rick's stomach where the Governor had viciously kicked him.

"You're bleeding," Sawyer said. "We should stop."

Rick knew he should agree with the youth but looking around, they were in a large clearing.

"We…we can't," Rick said, his voice struggled showing how little energy he had. "We have to keep moving."

Sawyer's eyes widened. Now facing his leader he saw how much he was struggling.

"Just five minutes to bind the wound."

Rick was about to argue when his body answered for him. He fell. His left leg went first gimping out completely, he tried to break his fall but it failed and he ended up falling on his face. Sawyer dropped the bags and went over to Rick who struggled onto his back.

"Easy," Sawyer barely whispered. He looked at Rick who struggled even to lift up his shirt, Sawyer cautiously helped and saw that the stitching broke. Sawyer saw that sweat had dampened the stitched, thus weakening it.

 _Explains why they broke_ ," Sawyer though, thinking back to Hershel's lessons.

"We need to fix it," the boy said, his voice hurried and slightly pitched.

"We can't camp here," Rick protested.

"You can't move."

"I'm fine!"

Sawyer bit his lip sensing an outburst impending. If Rick kept on walking, the muscle around his joint would seize up and that was only the temporary symptom. The more permanent one was the muscles would fail to heal properly and thus a permanent limp would occur and if that occurred a walking aid might be necessary. Sawyer wanted to tell Rick all of this, he wanted the leader to see the danger in his actions. Rick didn't have to act tough in front of the child because Sawyer knew that he was strong – but now he was acting stupid.

"We need to bind it somehow," Sawyer repeated rummaging through his bag. "Carrying the heavy pack wouldn't have helped either."

Rick didn't reply he was too weak for that.

"There," Sawyer pointed to an area only a few feet away, it was out of the clearing and seemed to be a failed homemade shelter. Rick nodded and tried to get up but his left leg had given up completely. He felt Sawyer grab the back of shirt and pull.

"Wait, grab the bags I'll be fine," Rick ordered, he felt a bit embarrassed being dragged around by a ten year old.

Sawyer did as he was told and hurried to the shelter. He looked back to see Rick crawling the best he could.

"Sir!"

Rick turned around just in time to see the Walker loom over top. It knelt down and grabbed Rick's shoulder pulling him close with rather surprising strength. Sawyer ran over as Rick did his best to fight it off, he struggled for his weapon with one hand while trying to fight with the other. The walker pressed his hand on Rick's injured ribs causing him to cry out in pain. His dropped instinctively to protect the wound, unfortunately that hand was the only thing stopping the Walker. Its face was mere millimeters from Rick's when it's movement's stopped suddenly and the body forcibly pulled off.

Rick looked over to see Sawyer pull the knife out of the skull then plunge it back in for good measure. His front was stained a bit but other than that he seemed okay.

Once more the boy saved the man's life.

"Are you alright sir?" Sawyer asked.

Rick managed a meagre nod before continuing to the shelter. He propped himself up against the tree and gave a struggled sigh through clenched teeth. His heart was still racing and his hand was still on his side. He withdrew it to see a bit of red leaking out.

"I have some extra bandages," Sawyer said, "but we need to get more."

"Where's the map?" Rick asked.

Sawyer took it out and handed it to the leader. Rick ignored the boy as he started to cut strands and the gauze tape. He saw where they were, he saw the closest town was three miles East and they were walking North.

"That's a long way," Sawyer muttered. "I could go by myself."

Rick shook his head. "No we go together."

He struggled to see the broken shelter and realized he made a _huge_ mistake.

The place was partially collapsed due to rot. The place was barely big enough for one person let alone two and the place stank of mold.

It was the worst place Rick seen and he'd seen a lot.

Rick looked down to see Sawyer too trying to fight back a mixed expression of disgust and fear. He though back to the place they had left five hours ago, even though it was defenseless at least it didn't have a high chance of collapsing and crushing the two.

Sawyer felt he was going to throw up – and that was just smelling the place. In his mind the word _I told you so_ rang so loud in his mind that it nearly slipped out of his mouth. His reasoning to stay was so Rick could heal, not shelter-wise – but this didn't make anything easier. If Rick wanted to stay a chance of infection was staggering, for both. The boy wanted to leave, he didn't like the place at all. He wanted to drag Rick in the opposite direction as far as he could.

Rick opened his mouth to speak, but honestly there were no words.

"We can use it as firewood," Rick finally spoke after what seemed like eternity.

Sawyer blinked. "But wouldn't it give off a smell? That would mean that not only walkers but also bad survivors would be able to find us."

Rick bit his lip. Sawyer was right, if they set it aflame, then they may as well be shouting out their location to anyone in proximity, but he didn't want the boy going in there.

"We can set up camp close by," Rick finalized.

Sawyer looked around, "the area is too open, even with the tre-."

"What other choice do we have?" Rick argued finding himself losing patience.

"We could've stayed back at the house like _I_ said!"

There was a silence. It was so quiet that you would be able to hear a leaf drop. Rick glared at the youth feeling a strong sensation in his arm to lash out. Sawyer on the other hand was quiet surprised that he said that, he broke the staring as he found it quite intimidating and moved away dragging the bags with him. Rick looked back at the rotten shelter and moved.

XXXXXX

After they set up camp several feet away, Sawyer took a few snare tools out of his bag and left. He walked a few feet away and started to set it up, putting half-hearted effort into the work. Neither said a word since his outburst and Sawyer was still feeling a bit uncomfortable around Rick. After he had shouted it looked like Rick was going to give him a smack upside the head. Sawyer's father always told him to respect adults and to never talk back. The boy always followed those rules so why would he break them now? Sure he was right but was it absolutely necessary to blurt it out harshly like that? Yes. Despite everything Sawyer knew that Rick was testing fate as soon as he mentioned leaving.

As Sawyer turned to leave he heard something snap to his left. The boy's head snapped up and he looked in that direction. He took a few steps towards the noise hoping that it would happen again but he was out of luck. Sawyer let out a small sigh and headed back to Rick. Then another snap cracked through the air, this time it was louder and seemed closer. Sawyer turned around with his hatchet in hand, he brandished it in front of him trying to pull an aggressive face but it faltered as he saw nothing. Without putting his hatchet back Sawyer rushed back to Rick.

At the camp Sawyer still had his hatchet out, he looked over to Rick who was getting a fire started while holding his wounded side. Sawyer wanted to speak out about the noise, he wanted to also tell Rick that he was able to help his side.

Rick continued to struggle for a few moments until Sawyer had enough.

"I can probably fix your side," he blurted.

Rick looked over at Sawyer sending him a slight baleful look. The boy bit his lip but repeated the offer. Rick was about to tell the boy off when his side protested and he groaned painfully. He looked down to see a large red spot continue to well on his shirt. Sawyer immediately grabbed the med-kit as Rick lifted his shirt, he visibly bristled as the hem brushed the bruised skin.

"The blood bruise burst," Sawyer informed taking out a few gauze pads. He gently placed them on Rick's wound and told him to hold it there. Rather surprised Rick did as he was told as Sawyer ripped off a couple pieces of tape and carefully placed them on.

"We need to find antibiotics," Sawyer said. "Staying here won't do."

Rick gasped as a wave of pain caught him off guard, "n-no choice." He clenched his teeth as pain gripped his left leg again causing it to involuntary paroxysmal spasm.

Sawyer rummaged through the bag and found what he was looking for. He withdrew two pills from the bottle and handed them to Rick who gladly took them and a swig of water.

"Rest sir," Sawyer said.

Rick was about to protest when his mind started to cloud. He tried to get out words but Sawyer gently pushed the man back against the tree, Rick found that he couldn't move. Against his will, his eyes closed and he fell into a deep sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

_Sawyer watched the vicious battle continue outside, he could hear some people inside too panicking and running trying to find a safe exit. He looked down to see Lily standing there with a horrified look on her face. Sawyer snapped into action._

" _We have to go," he shouted over the clash of noise around them._

" _Our bags!" Lily protested._

 _Before Sawyer could stop her, she ran off to their cell block disappearing quacking in the melee. Sawyer rushed after her, his knife bounced at his side carefully he withdrew it unsure if the enemies had entered the prison. He sure hoped not._

 _There were a couple dead bodies lying on the ground each with a hole in their head which gave Sawyer a little relief but then a man suddenly appeared before him. He stood a bit taller than average, messy dark hair and had a menacing glint to his features. The man stepped towards the terrified child reaching down to grab him. With blind panic Sawyer remembered the weapon in his hand and he swiped it wildly ripping open a gash in the man's palm. He shouted in anger and pain before lashing his hand out at the youth grabbing his hair._

" _Argh!" Sawyer cried as the roots were pulled._

" _You little shit," the man snarled._

 _Sawyer tried to attack again but the man grabbed his wrist and twisted at an awkward angle causing the boy to cry out again._

" _Going to have fun kil- argh!"_

 _Sawyer looked up to see the man arched back, almost like a taunt bow string. He released Sawyer who backed up immediately and watched as the man tried to pull something out of his back. Sawyer quickly stepped forward and stabbed him in the thigh. The man fell to the ground and Sawyer saw a hatchet buried deep into his lower back._

 _Lily was frozen to the spot. Sawyer yanked the hatchet out, grabbed the bags and her hand trying to pull her away from the scene but she remained._

" _Come on!" Sawyer cried, "we have to go now."_

 _Lily reluctantly moved and followed Sawyer out a backdoor._

 _Immediately a bullet spray exploded at the boy's feet causing him to crash back against his sister. Lily shrieked as she landed painfully. Sawyer raised his hand against the blinding sun and smoke, despite his obscured vision it seemed that everything was moving too fast for the poor youth to keep up. He saw several people absolutely massacre people who were trying to flee, in return one took a bullet to the head while the other two ducked behind cover._

 _Sawyer saw people make a run for the forest and knew that was his and Lily's only chance too._

" _We have to get over there," he told Lily, she paused but agreed._

 _Carefully he waited for an opening and then he grabbed Lily's hand and they both ran._

XXXXXX

Sawyer stopped reminiscing. He let out a soft sigh feeling his body quake slightly as the memory assaulted him. Thinking about Lily hurt him too much to the point where he would cry uncontrollably. He tried to keep everything together but every time he thought about her, Sawyer would automatically tear up no matter how hard he tried not to.

 _Stop it!_ He thought harshly to himself. That didn't help at all. While he tried to be tough and strong, the still vulnerable nature in him took the thought to heart causing the tears to pour. Sawyer bit his lip to keep himself from crying aloud.

Sawyer looked over to Rick who was still fast asleep. He took out the pill bottle and read the instructions. It did say two pills for an adult, but then the sleeping pills could be out of date.

The boy felt bad for tricking his leader, but he thought it was necessary. Even after the first few hours of observing Rick, Sawyer knew that the man would try to move and consume energy during unnecessary point in time. He though back to what Hershel had told him about the different effects of fatigue on people with injuries and that it gets worse when people move to the point of permanent injury. This happened with Rick and his leg.

With the man knocked out completely Sawyer was able to re-stitch the wound on his stomach as well as properly patch up his side and get a good look at his leg. It had swollen a bit bigger than it should've and the bruising looked incredibly painful. The muscle looked almost twisted underneath the skin giving it a rather off putting look. When he saw his former leader, the Governor, kick Rick in the leg he thought he had broken it definitely.

Sawyer tried his best to fix it by wrapping it as carefully as possible, but even Rick seemed to feel the pain as he would groan occasionally in his sleep. Sawyer walked a few feet away to find a sturdy walking stick that Rick would need to until he gained his full mobility back. Sawyer knew that the leader wouldn't like the idea, but because of walking on it for four hours straight – this was his punishment. Sawyer just hoped it wasn't going to be permanent.

"You know my sister had a crush on you," Sawyer said quietly as he stared at the man. "It was kinda weird especially when she told me. You may not have known it but she would blush every time you passed."

Sawyer suddenly chuckled, he tried to keep it low but he couldn't stop himself and he laughed until his sides hurt. His laughs came to a halt and Sawyer found himself still smiling a little.

"I laughed at her so hard when she told me, she kicked me in the shin." Sawyer let out a playful huff. "Don't mess with a little girl's feelings."

Sawyer suddenly stopped and his expression became serious. He looked over to Rick who was still sleeping, Sawyer started to wonder if Rick heard every word. It would be quite embarrassing if he had, Sawyer wasn't exactly sure what happened during an out-of-date sleeping pill induced sleep.

Rick came around two hours later, the night time greeted him as he stared up at the billions of stars blinking in the sky and the quarter moon partially hidden behind the trees. He looked over to see Sawyer surprisingly still awake roasting a rabbit over a fire. The smell of meat was extremely inviting for the man and he couldn't stop his stomach from growling loudly.

"Sir," Sawyer nodded. "It'll be ready in a few minutes."

Rick nodded and struggled to straighten himself against the tree he was lying against. He felt well rested, with energy he didn't have before. He looked down to see his leg wrapped as well as his side and stomach re-stitched. He looked over to Sawyer who was concentrating on the meat.

"How do the supplies look?"

Sawyer let out a sigh, he knew he was going to have to deliver the bad news at some point.

"This meat is the only food we have left, we have half a litre of water left and as for medical supplies it's very sparse. Very little of the gauze roll left and nothing else."

"What about the painkillers?" Rick asked.

Sawyer tightened his lips and rubbed the back of his neck. Rick knew that something was up, he tried to shift but the pain kept him pinned.

"Those aren't painkillers," Sawyer cautiously admitted. "They're sleeping pills."

Rick gapped at the youth unable to believe what he was hearing. Sleeping pills?! What happened if the place was attacked by walkers or survivors? He would just be sleeping there completely blocked out of the world!

Sawyer saw the surprised look turn a bit aggressive.

"I-I only went to go check on the snares," Sawyer quickly said.

Rick tried to rise but the pain in his leg was close to unbearable, this caused his anger for the youth to sky rocket.

"I'm so-sorry," Sawyer stammered, he felt his bottom lip tremble. "But your body was shutting down…you ne-."

"Shut up!"

Rick's outburst was the loudest and harshest. Sawyer understood his anger, but Rick had to also understand his reasoning. If the leader hadn't stopped and rested properly then his bodily functions would slowly start to shut down, worse without food and proper medication it could lead to death.

"Are you trying to kill me?!" Rick demanded; his expression aggressive.

Sawyer was shocked, silent tears were already started to trail down his face.

"I'm trying to save you," the boy whispered abashed.

Rick let out a _humph_ before leaning back into the tree – his hunger vanished.

XXXXXX

The night turned day after a few hours. Neither had the appetite for anything so silently Sawyer merely wrapped the food and put it in the bag. He kept the fire tended while Rick fell asleep again but this time with a scowl on his face. Sawyer wanted to check the man's bandages but since the sleep wasn't medically-induced then he would be sensitive to any movements. He was still a bit shaken up after the experience. Sawyer knew that traumatic experiences can cause rash actions but he didn't expect the leader's attitude to shoot up so fast, and his words so cutting. But Sawyer had experiences of his own, sure he got angry but never like that - was it because he was still a mere child? He thought he understood pain and anguish enough - apparently not.

He looked over at his leader and saw his eyes screwed shut and it was clear he was having trouble getting a good sleep.

XXXXXX

 _Rick felt his heart drop as he watched the Governor toss his son's body aside as if he were nothing but a rag doll. Carl's body landed crumbled and motionless. Without thinking Rick charged, he ignored the chaos around him, his only mind set was to kill the Governor. But the man was more than ready for his crazed opponent as he flipped his knife inverted and slashed quickly as soon as Rick was within range. The man immediately buckled under the attack and jumped back losing ground. The Governor didn't stop as he elbowed Rick's cowered form before brutally kicking him in the stomach. Rick gasped for air trying to get up but the boot assaulted his side and a finally kick to his head._

 _He could hear his heart pound heavily in his ears. Blood leaked heaviest from his nose, stomach and arm. Rick tried to reposition himself but the Governor slammed his boot down on his left leg._

 _Rick let out a scream as the pain was unbearable, he grunted as he tried to draw his leg close to him to protect it. He could feel the Governor loom over him, almost teasing him with his impended death. The knife with Carl's blood held tight in his hand. Rick tried to move but another pain shot through and he feared that the Governor had broken his leg._

" _Would've expected more from a sheriff," the Governor commented nastily as he flipped the man over. Rick threw a couple punches but only one hit and it wasn't enough even to stagger his opponent rather just anger him more. The Governor grabbed Rick by the back of his neck and kneed him several times in the face and chest until Rick was positive_ he _wasn't breathing. He was tossed to the ground and the Governor straddled him and grabbed his throat._

 _"Tell your son hi from me."_

 _Rick clawed at the Governor's hands, he tried to get up, kicking his legs and twisting this way and that like a fish out of water. But with such little energy, it all seemed worth for nothing - he was loosing. Darkness edged his vision as he coughed up fresh blood which Rick felt speckle his face. Then the pressure was gone._

XXXXXX

Rick woke with a start causing him to move involuntarily to protect himself. His leg and side protested and Rick laid there for a few minutes in pain. He looked over to see Sawyer watching him with sad eyes. The leader turned away from the youth, he didn't need the boy's pity – he didn't want it. He wanted to have his son back, his daughter and wife – people he couldn't have.

"Get some sleep," he said looking over his shoulder.

The boy didn't respond. He thought that the youth still stung after the outburst he delivered. Rick ran a hand through his hair he had let his temper get out of hand again. He had to force himself to calm and not get short with the youth.

Thinking back to the prison, when they were going through all the new people from Woodbury, Rick remembered Sawyer and Lily being the only orphans. Every other child had a parent or guardian at least but when asked about the two no one came forward. As far as Rick could tell their parents died earlier on, and their 'guardian' in Woodbury was killed in action. Rick had seen Carol try to coax something out of the little girl but she remained silent, he had overheard Carl even ask the boy about his parents but get no reply.

He couldn't help but wonder what the Governor did to try and manage the two children. Suddenly a ball of anger and rage whirled inside causing him to involuntarily flinch as if struck. Rick coughed a couple times and pretended to be cold to hide his emotions. Quickly he forced himself to think of something other than his son's screaming, or the Governor's blade sink into his stomach. Rick balled his fists as tears squeezed out and slid down his face, with quiet shame he wiped them discretely and fell asleep.

XXXXXX

The next morning Rick was adamant about leaving. They had already stayed two days and he didn't want to continue the risk of being out in the open despite the odd lack in Walkers. With great hesitation Sawyer pulled out a walking stick. Rick looked at the thing as if it were a live Walker, then at Sawyer as if he were nuts.

"You have to sir," Sawyer insisted. "The muscles in your leg have swollen and are rubbing against your joints to heal you have to use it."

Rick finally realized how much Sawyer was paying attention to Hershel. He bit the inside of his lip when he thought of the older medic. To Sawyer's surprise Rick took the walking stick from his grip and walked a couple steps to get accustomed to the aid. Rick lowered and picked up a lesser weight bag while Sawyer grabbed the other two and they headed off.

A couple hours later they came to an empty road. It stretched for miles and disappeared into the distance. Sawyer looked around surprised that it was so empty usually roads were an attraction spot for Walkers to pick off survivors using the road as guidance. He remembered the bus driver, Tyrese, smashing through quite a few on the way to the prison from Woodbury.

Sawyer looked over at Rick who was rubbing his left leg absent-mindedly. It didn't seem that Rick was feeling too much pain or perhaps he was just hiding it from the youth. Sawyer didn't want his leader to hide his pain, yes it would be embarrassing for an adult to tell a mere boy that he was in pain but if Rick didn't let Sawyer know then he wouldn't be able to help him.

Rick was impressed with Sawyer's medic skills. Even though the pain was still there, the bleeding has stopped but his leg still throbbed. But then again that was his fault. Rick knew that it was stupid to leave the spot, it was stupid to leave the building but the faster he found his friends then the better he would feel.

Sawyer drew out the map and set it on the ground. Rick knelt the best he could without aggravating his left leg however he couldn't help but wince.

"During the attack I saw Michonne run off West," Sawyer said as he wrote 'M' in the West area. "Daryl ran off North along with Beth and Hershel," a 'B', 'H' and 'D' drawn in the North area.

Rick looked at the map, they were currently positioned for the West position so that would mean hopefully they would come across Michonne – and soon.

"What about Maggie and Glenn?"

"I couldn't see."

Rick didn't have a clue either, but now they had a general area of where they wanted to go which was better than yesterday.

"What about Sophia?"

"I think she ran off with a couple of people from Woodbury...West I believe."

A 'S' was placed a little ways from 'M'. Rick capped the pen and threw it back in the bag, he studied the map for a few moments.

"First things first," Rick finally said, "we find proper shelter before the night.'

Sawyer gapped, he looked at the map and from what he could tell 'proper shelter' wasn't for another ten miles.

"We won't make five miles!" the boy protested.

"We need to find a vehicle," Rick continued ignoring the boy. "It'll make travelling a lot easier in general."

What Rick failed to say in that sentence was 'proper' and 'filled' vehicle. Sawyer couldn't help but grit his teeth, for the first time in his life he started to find himself frustrated with an adult. It felt like the boy was talking to a wall –hell he might as well be talking to a Walker. At least it would pay attention to him…well maybe for all the wrong reasons though.

Sawyer looked left then right with no vehicle in sight he gave a dramatic sigh and then folded up the map.

"We should head East, there's supposedly a stream where we can refill out bottle."

Rick nodded and started to walk with Sawyer close behind.

They walked for another good two hours until they came to the stream. Rick groaned as he struggled to sit down against a tree. Sawyer was about to get the water when a shadow suddenly darkened overhead. He felt something grab the back of his neck and push him down.

"Si-," Sawyer's head was shoved underwater by the Walker as it leaned it. Rick struggled to his feet as fast as he could. He saw the boy's hands flail trying to grab his knife but his left arm couldn't reach and his right was pinned. His legs dug furrows into the ground to try and escape but the Walker was surprisingly heavyset.

Ignoring the pain Rick ran right up to the undead and kicked it in the face with his left leg.

" _Argh!"_ Rick cried gritting his teeth as he fell back. The Walker turned to the leader and staggered towards him, its arms outstretched. Rick grabbed his knife and was ready to attack when the monster suddenly fell as his left leg was sliced off. Without hesitation Sawyer raised the hatchet and brought it down on the Walker's head slicing it in two. Rick looked at the boy who had a couple scratches on his face from where the rocks scraped his skin. His hair was flat against his head and eyes wide with shock. Without warning the ten year old turned and threw up.

After Sawyer was able to compose his self and Rick sat back down with great difficulty, the boy slowly walked towards the man and took out the medi-kit. The boy wanted to speak so badly, he wanted to tell Rick that it wasn't his fault he didn't know that the Walker was there. Then the way he took it down. Sawyer looked down his front to see blood splatted onto his jeans and shirt.

"Go clean your hatchet."

Sawyer looked up at the man almost as if to try to desperately send a message to him, making his expression as clear as day. But Rick ignored it and turned his back.

With a heavy heart Sawyer grabbed his hatchet and walked to the stream. He knelt and started to wash the blade careful not to cut his self.

Sawyer couldn't help but wonder if Rick had always being like this. If the Governor was right all along about the terrorists. But if so then why did Rick take them in? If he truly were a terrorist he would have just rounded everyone up and killed them. From what Carl had told him, Rick actually _missed_ the beginning of the end of the world. He was in the hospital in a deep coma after being shot by a bad guy during a police chase. When he woke he met a man named Morgan and his son Duane. Carl had told Sawyer everything, and in return Sawyer told his story.


	5. Chapter 5

_Rick struggled up the slope away from the prison. His legs continued to crumple underneath him going uphill and his breathing was heavily laboured. His injuries were heavy and blood slowly dribbled out of his mouth causing him to cough violently. He looked back to see smoke and the destruction rise from the prison and its grounds. People were fleeing in any and all directions to get away from the amassing Walkers that were slowly heading towards the dead bodies dotting the grounds._

 _Rick felt a hoarse cry rise from his sore throat. He looked down to see his son's body in his arms. He couldn't leave his son's body to be devoured, he already failed his wife in that respect – he won't his son._

 _He struggled through the rough terrain for a couple hours with Carl in his arms that were becoming unbearably sore. Suddenly Rick pitched forward and fell right on the wound on his stomach. He let out a pitched cry and curled instinctively as he cradled his wound. For a few moments he remained like this, his body slowly giving up yet his mental state still willing to go on. He looked over to where his son's body was when he saw it._

 _Its feet shuffled across the ground. The close familiar stench as its finger wrapped around the boy's arm ready to take a good chunk from it. Without thinking Rick tackled the Walker to the ground and slammed his fists into its face repeatedly until it was nothing more than a scrambled mess. Rick huffed as lack of oxygen took hold. He sat back down ignoring the pain and slumped forward. His eyes starting to close despite his protests and his muscles giving an occasional spasm. Slowly he rose to his feet but couldn't get a grip and fell. Rick tried again, this time succeeding and started to dig in a large patch of soft soil with his hands._

 _After an hour of continuous work Rick collapsed onto the side unable to move. He looked at his work seeing how he only managed to dig a foot down with his meagre energy. He looked over at his son's body which was still there, the blood had long since hardened and was turning dark._

" _I…."_

 _Rick tried to speak but his words caught in his throat as something. He grabbed the back of his son's shirt and gently placed him in the grave. Clearly struggling he filled it back up the best he could and then ran off._

 _XXXXXX_

Rick often wondered what happened to his son's body. He had tried to cover it up the best he could with what dirt he had. But the hole was too shallow, and the dirt wasn't exactly the best kind as it had rocks, sticks, roots and other junk. Rick knew that some of his clothes were sticking out too. He didn't want to think the worst, but the thought of a Walkers managing to devour his son's corpse terrified him. His wife was already eaten, he never wanted his son to have that fate.

He looked ahead to see Sawyer only a couple steps. He often wondered what Carl saw the in boy. He wondered if his son stuck around him because of what Sawyer had being through. Rick only heard bits and pieces never having the full story but the parts he heard were never nice. Most of them contained content of Sawyer and Lily running from something, or Sawyer trying to fight something off but there was one particular part in which Rick was most interested.

"Who's Marco?"

Sawyer looked back, his expression was neutral.

"A man who was in my parent's group, why?"

Rick shrugged. "It's a name that's always popped up whenever the kids talked about you or your sister."

Sawyer didn't respond instead kept walking.

"What happened?"

"Pardon?"

"To your parents' group, what happened?"

Sawyer didn't respond and Rick was wondering if he was purposely ignoring him.

"Things...," the boy whispered. He wanted to go on but was slightly embarrassed. He was in front of a man who had being able bring two groups who were pitted against each other and convince them to be able to live in peace together.

The boy shut down immediately and Rick realized that he hit a sore spot.

"What did they say?"

Rick let out a small breath.

"Only mentioned when your sister mentioned your parents."

Sawyer closed his eyes thinking about Lily. He knew that his sister wanted to look out for him, that she wanted to grow up fast for him so that he wouldn't have to worry so much. Sawyer allowed it to happen, he didn't mind Lily wanting to try new things he already allowed her to use a knife and she had killed Walkers not as many as the boy had but enough to know how to protect herself.

At Woodbury she would try and get the adults involved by telling them things that Sawyer wanted to keep secret. He would try to tell the adults that Lily was lying and the young girl in return wouldn't understand why her brother would say that. It seemed that she had yet to understand the concept of privacy. And sometimes that would cause problems.

XXXXXX

 _Hershel looked out into the centre area of Cell Block B. A couple people were milling around, a woman was talking to Lily who had obviously being crying and there was someone standing guard at Sawyer's cell. He had seen the boy jumpy when he got here but that was typical for a ten year old, however from what they heard it was definitely not normal._

 _In front of the medic was of course Rick as well as Daryl just in case. Some people said that the boy wasn't doing well physically, with vomiting and migraines. The medic hoped that it wasn't what everyone was worrying about, Sawyer was a great student, caught onto everything easily and retained it even better._

" _We all know the plan right?" the leader said quietly so only the two men could here._

 _Daryl shuffled not really liking it if things went south but it was a tough world and tough choices had to be made. He nodded and so did Hershel._

 _The three continued towards the cell and once people saw them gave them room to do whatever they had to by leaving. When Lily saw them she started to panic, the woman tried to pull her away but she broke free of the grip and stood in front of her brother's room._

" _It's not what you think!" she cried as she felt the guard's hand wrap around her upper arm. "Please don't kill him!"_

 _Before Rick could say a word Hershel stepped forward. "We just need to see what sort of illness your brother has, don't worry."_

 _Lily bit her lip and tighten her shoulders, clearly she had something to say but couldn't get it out._

" _H-he's…."_

 _Lily was unable to finish as the guard started to pull her out of the way and towards the door. All the poor girl could do was look back with a heavy heart._

 _Rick pulled open the curtain to see the boy lying on the bed, his hand were cuffed to the bottom rung. When he saw the leader enter he started to panic._

" _W-wait!" Sawyer cried his voice cracked. "Please, listen there has been a mistake!"_

 _He saw Daryl and Hershel behind his leader, the boy's eyes widened and he shrank back. The medic stepped forward and whispered to Rick who nodded. He stepped inside setting his med-kit down. The other two remained where they were watching the interaction._

" _It's alright Sawyer," Hershel started calmly, first calm the boy. "We've being getting reports of some violent behaviour, is that true?"_

 _Sawyer opened then closed his mouth. After a few beats he spoke._

" _I had a nightmare that's all," he said hardly above a whisper._

" _What about the vomiting and migraines?"_

" _I…I've had it before…back in W-Woodbury…."_

 _Out of the corner of his eye, Sawyer could see Rick shift._

" _And what did they do back when you had these fits?"_

" _Dr. Stevens would give me some pills, than…they'd stop."_

 _Hershel nodded but also saw a problem with this. They most likely didn't have the medication that was given to the boy, so that would mean he'd have to learn to deal with it through mental techniques._

" _I'm just going to check a couple things," Hershel said pulling a few instruments from his bag. Sawyer nodded and allowed Hershel to check his heart, lungs, throat and eyes._

" _Can you lift your shirt please?"_

 _Sawyer went ridged, his fingers at the hem of his shirt holding it down. Hershel asked again but Sawyer kept his shirt down, this cause Hershel to take definite note._

" _Have you ever being abused? You or your sister?"_

 _Sawyer didn't say anything._

" _Have you had these fits before the apocalypse?"_

 _Sawyer shook his head. Hershel nodded again then pardoned himself._

 _Outside Hershel took the two a couple steps away from the room._

" _From the sounds of it, it's severe anxiety that's brought on by whatever happened in the past," Hershel said. "He doesn't have a fever, and everything sounds good."_

 _Daryl seemed a bit relieved while Rick didn't give any expressional change. Hershel looked at the hunter who took the hint and left._

" _I don't know what brings it on, but it might have something to do with his parents or – lack of," Hershel said._

 _Rick let out a sigh._

 _When they were assigning cell blocks to the people Rick was unsure of where to put the siblings. Sawyer and Lily seemed adamant on staying with either having a room for the pair or at least beside each other. Due to space issues, they ended up having to split Sawyer and Lily up which ended up causing a huge disagreement. After the first night, Daryl practically tripped over Sawyer who had snuck out of his room to sleep in front of Lily's. Sawyer kept saying that despite his 'childish' actions he'd continue to do it or leave with his sister. Neither wanted the pair out on their own so, in the end a young woman agreed to switch with Lily, even though she was on the top floor and Sawyer on the bottom – the siblings would be together._

 _Rick had tried for a little while to get to the bottom of the situation with the siblings himself, but with upgrades to the prison and a whole lot more people to attend to, it slipped his mind._

" _I could try to see what it wrong," Hershel said. "See if he'll open up."_

 _Rick nodded. "Lily has being asking Glenn about being a Runner when she's old enough, I'll talk to him."_

" _I've also seen Carl stick around Sawyer," Hershel noted._

 _Rick nodded having seen the interaction himself. He wondered what caused his son's sudden change in behaviour. At first he didn't like any of the people, despite his father's acts to try and get him to engage some of the youth Carl outright refused and would retreat either to his room or up to Judith's crib. Then all of a sudden he started to speak with Sawyer, the timid ten year- old._

 _But Rick knew that people especially children can be stubborn about things they want to keep secret._

" _If not we'll have to teach him how to control his anxiety," Hershel said as if reading the man's mind._

 _Rick nodded knowing that it was the best idea._

XXXXXX

Rick looked at Sawyer wondering if he ever had gotten the anxiety under control. He had an attack not too longer after the first one but this time everyone knew what it was and reacted accordingly. When Hershel talked to Sawyer during one of his lessons he learned that Sawyer and Lily spent about nine months alone in the forest by themselves before the Governor found them. He didn't go much into detail but from what Hershel had learned, the Governor saved them – plain and simple.

The leader felt his hand instinctively curl into a fist despite his bruised muscles. He couldn't even think about the man's name (real or title) without feeling intense hatred. Every fibre in his body hated the man. He looked over at Sawyer who was only five seconds from falling asleep. His breath was steady and one hand was slightly curled around the handle of his hatchet. When Rick had heard that the siblings had survived on their own he was completely baffled and taken aback. He didn't know how either would've survived especially at the time when Sawyer was supposedly only nine and Lily supposedly eight.

He often wondered how it had being for the young kids, what they see around them, what they understand. Carl was ten when the apocalypse started and it was devastating for him, from what Lori had told him he would have violent nightmares and had wet himself a couple times during the first week. Every noise startled him and at the end of his rope, he started to cry when he was jump scared by a squirrel jumping from one tree branch to another.

Sawyer, now at the age of Carl when it all started, seemed rather calm despite the anxiety attacks. His survival skills were near par with most adults he had seen and of course his medical skills were beyond words. Carl hadn't really started helping out until he had fully recovered from his gu-.

 _Slap!_ The sound struck through the air and woke Sawyer who gripped his hatchet tightly. Astonished the boy looked at his leader who had an angry red mark on his cheek it was clear he was conflicted even looked slightly out of it.

"…Sir….?"

Rick blinked thrice coming out of his daze. He turned away embarrassed by his sudden action.

"Go back to sleep," Rick muttered.

At first Sawyer didn't quite understand, but as he replayed the mumbled words he did as he was told and leaned into the tree wondering. He was wondering what would've triggered Rick off like that – though he hazard a guess. With silence the boy closed his eyes and allowed for sleep to take over again.

Rick waited until he could hear the faint breath of the youth; steady – in and out. His hands cupped his head and he gripped his hair until he felt that it was going to be ripped out. Rick let out a silent scream until he ran out of air.

He did it again. He forced himself to calm – Sawyer was merely a boy who had happened to find him, he is healing Rick, who is grateful. But Carl was his son, his flesh and blood who can never be replaced.

Rick had thought about when some of the women from Woodbury came into the prison. After the first week a young-ish woman started to flirt with him, she would do chores around him and talk to him sometimes asking rather personal questions. Rick, reluctantly, allowed it to happen. He answered all the questions and even allowed her to get close enough that if she rose on her tippy-toes they would kiss. Suddenly the thought of _her_ made him falter and literally push the woman away. Later in the week he tried to apologize and even kiss her, but the woman rebuffed his advances and ended up with someone else.

Even though he wanted – needed – to move on, he couldn't. Rick didn't know what was wrong, he didn't understand. He knew that his grief for his wife Lori was normal, and when the woman made an advance he did feel ready to continue on with his life. Sure it would be hard for Carl as well to accept a new woman in place of his biological mother, but the boy needed someone with a tender heart so that his wouldn't go to hard.

Rick had often wondered and sometimes worried over Carl's own fate. To have to ultimately put down one's own mother was very traumatic, and after Carl had told him he would immediately clam up when the topic came up. When they were settled into the prison, Rick had tried to have a conversation with him while the two were raking out fields on the grounds. After about ten minutes of constant pestering and awkward silent moments, Carl angrily threw down the rake and marched off into the forest. Rick and five others went out searching for his son who was never found until the next morning when he was seen marching up the path. Blood and guts were on his clothes and his knife was broken. When Michonne went out searching for where the youth had stayed, she had reported that over twenty Walkers bodies freshly killed.

Rick looked over at Sawyer who was taking out the meat. He divided up portions and tossed one to Rick who caught it, silently grateful as his stomach started softly growling again. He dug in ravenously he couldn't remember the last thing that had passed his lips. When the two were done, they split one more portion before the sun went down.

More full than he had being in four days, Rick tried to get comfortable against the tree but failed miserably. Content with curling up into a ball, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXX

" _Why did you do it?"_

 _Carl looked at Sawyer slightly irritated. But the boy's curious face made the youth speak._

" _Because I could."_

" _That's dumb."_

 _Without thinking Carl let out a light chuckle. He felt a prod on his back, looking up he saw Daryl pass but the man had a slight scowl on his face. Carl returned the expression gladly then turned back to Sawyer._

" _I don't know why everyone's so pissy about it," Carl finally said leaning up against the bar._

 _The two found a quiet place on the second floor in Sawyer's cell block. The one Carl was in was always loud in the day as that was where his father and entire group were sleeping. After his venture into the forest two days ago, the boy had being placed under strict supervision. He had thought he had slipped it for a couple minutes – guess not._

 _The boys watched the hunter walk back down the steps and towards the main cell block._

" _Off to tell my dad no doubt," Carl said dimly._

" _You did scare him," Sawyer reminded._

" _It was hardly a day!"_

" _I'm surprised he didn't take the entire encampment with him when he first went out."_

 _Carl clicked his tongue in frustration. "You and your sister both survived nine months alone, with no one else. I can most definitely survive barely a day!"_

 _Sawyer turned away, he could sense his friend's frustration clearly. But he also wanted to remind Carl that he didn't want to be out in the forest alone for those nine months. It wasn't a choice._

" _What happened?"_

 _Sawyer paused, unsure of what to say. He knew that Hershel was asking questions similar to Carl, but his took a bit of time to decipher before understanding what he meant. Sawyer knew that the medic was trying to be kind and gentle, but the boy was beyond those feelings._

" _M…my dad had a group, like yours he was leader of it. But there was an uprising when the group was going through a rough patch."_

 _Carl turned away looking out into the bare cell block. His father was lucky in a way that he was able to hold his group together through all the times they had._

 _Sawyer refused to say anymore. He wasn't sure whether or not Carl would tell his father. It wasn't that he was distrusting of Rick or his group, but he didn't want sympathy over something that he was struggling to let go._

" _What about your mom?" Carl asked his voice slightly depressed on the word 'mom'._

 _Sawyer paused and for a split second it looked like he was going to cry._

" _She was there too," he finally said._

 _Carl asked what happened – Sawyer didn't reply. There was a silence between the two boys that was hard to shatter. It was a calming silence but one with numerous questions underlying on both sides._

" _Did you always use blades?" Carl asked knowing that the siblings had three knives and a hatchet between them._

" _Yes," Sawyer responded. "Dad was supposed to teach us how to shoot but never got the chance."_

 _He took out the knife and flipped it, handing it over to Carl who was eager to accept the blade. It was a very simple hunting knife but one that was clearly sharp and the handle well carved._

" _My uncle worked in a blacksmith shop he would create specialized tools and parts for the various manufacturing shops around the city. He made one for me and Lily, for our birthdays – mom was livid."_

 _Sawyer started to chuckle and so did Carl._

" _But when the apocalypse happened, she took them out again."_

" _My mom wouldn't allow me to have anything," Carl said. "She wanted to keep me protected."_

 _Sawyer could hear the tension in Carl's words. He wondered why he was so anxious in fighting so badly. Was there something Carl was trying to make up for? Sawyer knew all about making up for bad choices._

" _But you know how to fight now," Sawyer said trying to cheer up his new friend._

 _Carl didn't answer._

" _I can teach you how to shoot."_

 _Sawyer looked over to Carl with wide eyes. The older boy looked at his young friend he held a rather defiant look._

" _I…I do-."_

" _Doesn't matter what my dad thinks, they couldn't fix the large hole in the back of the prison, so they put up a fence but we can climb over it easily."_

" _How-," Sawyer answered his own question, Carl had already done so._

" _But your gun."_

" _I know where Daryl hides the emergency stash, we can take from there."_

 _Before Sawyer could answer a voice shouted up to the pair. They looked down to see Rick who called again for his son to come down._

" _I'll see you tonight," Carl left Sawyer there, speechless and stunned._

 _Once the father and son disappeared, Sawyer let out a small sigh and clenched his hands tight until he could feel his fingernails dig deep into his palm. He felt like screaming. Was it because he was trying to forget the part, all of it - and his only friend wanted to run towards it? He started to wonder whether or not leaving with Lily was a good idea. Sawyer was never prepared for this._

 _With a heavy heart, he turned back into his room._


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: _Please leave a review, thanks. Spitfire47_

* * *

" _How are you feeling Sawyer?" Hershel asked watching the boy restock the shelves._

 _The two had finished up a lesson not too long ago on broken bones and how to mend it. Sawyer had being able to pick up a lot of information as well as ask a lot of questions. Hershel was glad to have someone who was enthusiastic about medicine like him, sure he would teach his girls but that was mostly related to the farm and neither seemed too keen in following in his footsteps. He was also happy that the boy didn't care that the man was an actual vet rather than a doctor. However he never understood why, they had taken in another man who was a medic as well named Bob. The man had offered to train Sawyer as well but the boy wanted to stick with Hershel._

" _I'm doing alright," Sawyer said as he put away gauze._

" _How has Lily being?"_

" _I think she's managing."_

 _Hershel set down his own medi-kit. He watched the boy continue to stock wondering what the boy was hiding. His attitude was associated with typical abuse. Carol had seen the same behaviour with Lily to which she immediately went to Rick. The girl had several rather large scars on her leg and from what she told Carol, she didn't get it in the forest. Lily didn't continue on and bolted off running to Sawyer. When Rick told Hershel, it brought him back to when Sawyer refused to lift his shirt during his first post-anxiety attack._

 _Hershel never told anyone about Sawyer's odd-yet familiar behaviour when he was asked to take off his shirt for examination. The medic didn't want the news to spread around in case someone was eavesdropping, no doubt it would bring embarrassment and shame to the siblings especially Sawyer. Instead he had kept it to himself until he was sure that it was about what he thought it was. So when Rick confronted him about Lily's scar, he knew for sure Sawyer was hiding the same thing._

" _Sawyer," the medic said quietly, he made sure his tone wouldn't be ignored. It worked and the boy turned, his face started to turn a bit wary._

"… _.sir?"_

 _Hershel knew that Sawyer said 'sir' whenever he was insecure around someone, 'ma'am' if it was a female._

" _I want to talk to you about the incident two weeks ago, your anxiety attack."_

 _Sawyer set down the bottle of peroxide. He walked over to where Hershel was sitting and sat down._

" _I know it must've being difficult living out there with just the two of you, the people you must've run into…," Hershel paused, he took a small breath. "Have you or your sister ever being abused?"_

 _Sawyer stiffened. Days ago his sister came running to him out in the crops, crying that she had ruined everything. It took a few minutes to calm her down and then she told him Carol found out about the scar._

" _It's…." Sawyer tried to say it, he wanted to say it so bad but he was still scared. He was only ten after all. "My dad was a leader…but he had rivals who wanted power."_

 _Hershel closed his eyes, bowed his head. He remembered how Rick was almost killed by his best friend, Shane, who had wanted his control back over the group._

" _We were going through a rough patch, we had no choice – he had no choice."_

 _Hershel waited patiently through the silence. He knew it had to be extremely difficult for the boy._

" _It was a month after the outbreak. Dangerous for anyone to do anything, we lost fifteen adults in less than a week they went to try and find food and water."_

" _That must've being difficult for you and Lily," Hershel said._

 _Sawyer didn't say anything. "I can't remember it all…you'd think that I would…but…but all I can remember." The boy took in a shaky breath. "All I can remember is…quiet."_

 _Hershel was about to speak but Sawyer continued._

" _Quiet…in everything…all the tents…the rooms…I…I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't…they were dead."_

 _Hershel got off his chair and knelt taking the boy's hand. The medic was stunned and horrified at what the boy was saying._

" _Sawyer…."_

 _The boy abruptly stood and took off his shirt revealing the scars that ran across his chest. He turned and Sawyer saw white lines run around his back._

" _Here! Is this what you wanted to see?!"_

 _Hershel rose with difficulty. He stared at the boy unsure of what to say, there were no words to explain what Hershel was seeing – or thinking. Tears were pouring down Sawyer's face, but they seemed to be more of anger rather than sadness. It was out of the anger of doing nothing, than the sadness of losing so much._

 _Then the boy collapsed on the ground. Hershel rushed over and grabbed Sawyer by the shoulders to hold him steady. He felt him tense at the touch but Sawyer made no means to pushing him away. Hershel drew the boy into an embrace. Sawyer started to loose strength in his body, his outburst had exhausted everything from him which he didn't think was possible._

 _He closed his eyes. "…don't tell…."_

" _I won't tell anyone," Hershel whispered._

 _Sawyer couldn't form any words to reply. So he merely wrapped his arms around the medic but then retracted him arms about five seconds later._

XXXXXX

Sawyer wondered if the medic was still alive. The last time he saw him he was running with his daughter Beth and Daryl. The boy knew that Hershel would eventually ask about his skittishness, he had tried to think of some way to ward off the medic so sometimes he would feign sick just to avoid class and ask Bob to look at him instead.

But the boy knew that the older man wasn't dense. He probably saw right through the youth and knew that he was hiding from him – and he did. When Hershel confronted Sawyer about his own behaviour, the boy just couldn't keep quiet like his whole mind screamed at him too. He wasn't himself, he wasn't in control – it was like something else possessed him. The next thing he knew he was sitting on the ground, Hershel's arms wrapped protectively around him and his shirt was off.

After an event like that Sawyer thought that he was going to feel awkward around the medic, he had even caught himself thinking of asking Bob to continue to train him instead. Rather Sawyer felt an odd connection between him and the veterinarian. It wasn't in any parental connection, but instead one more of trust like a very, very, best friend. Sawyer had smiled when he thought that. Carl was his best friend as well, but he didn't tell him about the beginning, rather just some things that he and Lily had come across as well as how they ended up in Woodbury.

"Are you awake?"

Sawyer looked over at Rick who was leaned against the tree, his arms folded across his chest and giving the youth a rather dark side glance. The boy couldn't help but look away.

"My sister hated being alone," Sawyer said, his voice distant his eyes a bit dull. "She didn't like the quiet. I think she started to hate me after a while, seeing my face all the time – like it was guaranteed the last thing she was going to see…ever. She then started to become too trusting to anyone we came across."

Rick didn't say anything. He was quite interested, this was the first time he was going to hear anything of the boy's past.

"One time we came across a woman who had lost her entire family, she'd being alone too. Lily wanted her to come with us, but I learned that the reason the woman had lost her family, was because she killed them. Lily didn't want to believe me she thought I was making it up so that her and I could be alone. But then one night she tried to push Lily into the fire, I put a knife in the woman's back and we ran."

Rick didn't say anything. The boy's story was more than common nowadays, sane people going mad, losing the side of who they were before.

"We had some good times though," Sawyer continued. "I taught Lily how to fish and hunt, how to cook meals and run and climb. I wanted to know how to survive on her own…in case anything happened."

Rick bowed his head. He thought of all the time he held Carl back because he didn't want his son to get hurt, but also a bit of selfishness that Rick wanted Carl to remain his son. However after his wife died Rick knew that was something that would definitely put a distance between them despite the father wanted to close it.

"Did…Did Carl ever talk to you?" Rick asked.

Sawyer could practically feel the pressure in the father's words.

"Sometimes…but it wasn't like you thought. He…he would tell me of times before the prison, when you at the Canyon in Atlanta and the farm."

Rick's eyes went wide.

"He told you he go-."

"Got shot? Yes sir, he…he also told me that you were in a coma when it all happened."

Rick bowed his head. He didn't like thinking about it, it always reminded him of when he wasn't there for his family when they needed him most. When he failed them, it caused him to reflect with great shame and slight anger. For the past year he's being trying to make it up to them – but he failed.

"I'm…sorry sir."

Rick shook his head. "I'm just glad he had someone to talk to that's all. He took a real liking too you, you know that right?"

Sawyer felt a light blush in his cheeks as he looked away. Sometimes the kids would come around him and his sister for a chance to hear what goes on 'out there'. It didn't just happen in Woodbury, it also happened in the prison, but some of the questioning was done by the adults. Lily didn't say anything, Sawyer said very little. But then along comes Carl, and the boy had an odd feeling about the teenager. It's clear he had suffered, but oddly it seemed that he wanted to suffer more – that's the part that Sawyer didn't understand, the part that attracted Sawyer.

"Yes sir."

"It was good of him to have a friend, especially after all he's being through."

Sawyer didn't know what to say.

"I think he may have looked up to you in a way," Rick said.

Now, Sawyer _really_ didn't know what to say. So he didn't. Just sat there and remained quiet in case Rick had anything more to say; turns out he did.

"He'd sometimes tell me the stories of what you told him, when you and Lily were out on your own. He told me the one about when you bumped into that widow…the one who tried to burn you both alive."

Sawyer took in a slight breath. He let it out however he felt slight anger towards his deceased friend. Carl had promised not to tell his father about some of the stories, especially the harsher ones that Sawyer had the guts to tell. The boy started to wonder what stories, specifically, Carl had told his father.

Sawyer looked over at Rick who looked back.

"Did he tell you the one where we met the Governor?"

XXXXXX

The next morning the two rose with the sun and started to pack. They were risking staying in their unprotected place any longer. Only a few Walkers found them up but Rick nor Sawyer wanted to risk it anymore and decided to leave.

They moved towards the East following the possible lead to Michonne. They were closest to her position and going after anyone else would meaning back tracking about two days, worth of walking plus an additional god knows how many. Sawyer carried the heaviest bag while Rick took care of the smallest bag as well as provision leaning on a Cedar branch. It was a bit taller than the man himself and about an inch thick in diameter from top to bottom making it like a bo staff. Rick struggled with a few steps but managed well, he was quite lucky to have found it too.

The two moved according to the map but because Michonne could quite possibly be _anywhere_ , they tried to stick close to the streams.

Sawyer grabbed the back of Rick's jacket and pulled him back. The leader stumbled back almost knocking the youth over, he whipped around angrily and was about to berate the boy when Sawyer pointed. Rick turned to see a herd of approximately fifty or so. Some of them were lying on the ground while others were just standing there.

"What do we do?" the boy whispered.

Rick looked back expecting the boy to have a scared look on his face but instead it held one of interest. He looked again to see one Walker with a gaudy backpack on.

"Lily and I saw that same Walker before," Sawyer whispered. "It was about five months we were together."

"Was it in a group?" Rick asked.

"Yes, but some of them are different. They must be attracted to the bag when they see it."

"We have to get cross that field," Rick muttered slightly cursing under his breath.

"We have to go around it," Sawyer countered. "Use the brush and trees to our advantage."

Rick gritted his teeth, it would take too long another couple of hours.

"You're in no condition to fight and I can't take them my own. Come on."

Rick just stood there. Sawyer pulled and pulled on the man's arm not in hopes of pulling him along but to annoy him enough _to_ move. However it did work, Rick just pushed the boy down and walked forward. Sawyer got up and watched in shock as his leader headed right for the herd.

Rick walked. He felt the sun beat on his face, and heat through his clothes touching his skin. He drew in a breath being able to filter out the rotten smell of the Walkers that turned to see living flesh coming their way. Rick closed his eyes seeing that he was getting closer. He knew what he was doing, but he was ready…all he had to do was keep walking, ignoring all the pain.

Then something tackled him pushing him to the side. He looked up to see something cut through the Walkers, slicing this way and that, although the heads weren't sliced it was enough to stop the Walkers temporarily. But they were coming on fast as the others slowly started to understand what was happening.

"C…e….o…s….hu…y…Come..n….i….wha…."

Rick looked at the boy, splattered head to toe in blood and guts screaming his lungs out at him. The ringing in his ears diminished allowing Rick to head better.

"Come on sir, hurry!"

Rick's eyes suddenly widened as he drew in a breath. He turned to see the Walker herd closing in a little too close for comfort. He jumped to his feet and ran with Sawyer right behind trying to keep them at bay.

They both ran into the forest with the dead not too far behind. Sawyer sheathed his knife for his hatchet which had an extended reach. He swiped when he knew one was getting closer. He looked up to see Rick still running Sawyer followed him not sure where he was going or if he would stop. Sawyer lingered only five steps behind taking out as many as he can. His hatchet would do most of the reach while his knife would make stab wounds to falter the Walkers.

Twenty went down to ten and then five and finally only one. The last one fell as Sawyer stabbed at its legs and torso. A final blow to the head and it fell down. Sawyer let out a breath, his legs crumpled underneath him and he fell to the ground. His last bit of energy was to look up to see Rick collapsed into the dirt as well. The boy crawled over the best he could but with little food and water over the past his energy was miniscule, and from the massive kill from Rick's idiotic move – it was nothing. He grabbed Rick's ankle and pulled as if using as leverage to pull himself up but his arms wouldn't respond. His whole body wouldn't respond anymore to his commands. Sawyer let out a deep sigh, he didn't care if he died right then and there – he would be with Lily, and his parents.

XXXXXX

 _Sawyer felt tears run down his face as he continued to run through the forest. Branches whipped at his dirty clothes, stones and sticks punched the bottom of his bare feet. However he was used to the pain, it wasn't the sticks and stones that were bothering him – it was his crying sister._

 _In his arms Lily, eight, was crying uncontrollably. Her arm was around her brother's neck while the other clutched his sleeve tightly._

" _Wh…where?" the little girl hiccupped as she started to get her breathing under control._

" _I don't know," Sawyer said feeling his own tears stream down his face. He stopped just under a large tree and laid his sister down at the base. He tried to understand, he tried to figure something out but his mind kept drawing blanks, he was struggling with what was going on with everything. Sawyer collapsed against the tree. In his hand was a simple knife, it had a wooden handle and a two inch blade that was covered with blood and other oddities. Sawyer's hand was shaking so much that the knife fell from his weakened grasp._

 _With one hand he grasped the trunk of the tree and threw up until there were dry heaves. He looked over to his sister who was curled into a tight ball as tears continued to fall._

XXXXXX

Sawyer's eyes slowly opened. He felt a shiver run through his body and Sawyer started to convince himself that he was dead. It just seemed easier that way, he's seen enough for one lifetime. Sawyer felt his muscles stretch as if he had let out a large yawn. He felt the bones in his shoulder and knees cracked before feeling his body relax. Sawyer drew in a breath and started to believe that he was alive.

"Hello?" the boy tested. He coughed a bit before clearing his throat. Sawyer slowly twisted his body until he was on his stomach before crawling to Rick using his elbows.

"Sir?"

The leader was still unconscious. Sawyer held his hand just underneath Rick's nose and to his surprise felt air. He turned the man's over and felt him shift underneath his hand.

"Rick?"

The man eyes slowly opened and he gasped for air then started to cough as he struggled to sit up. He looked around, blinking from slight disorientation. Rick finally managed to sit up and leaned slightly forward. He looked over to the boy whose expression started to turn to anger.

"What were you thinking?!" Sawyer demanded. He felt anger pulse through him in place of adrenaline. The boy looked at his leader – _his leader_! Sawyer leaned back looking at the trail of dead Walkers they left in their wake. His muscles tensed and started to pain at the aching memory.

"Do you want to die?" the boy asked quietly.

Rick didn't answer. Merely he used the stick to help him up and he started to walk. With no choice, Sawyer followed.


End file.
